Christmas series1: One Hell of a Road to Christmas
by prolixius5
Summary: One gets hurt, badly; the other one almost looses it. Somewhat OOC. Rated T, reference to drugs. My first dark story. TXS so much for your R&R. Please go to "I'll be Home for Christmas" for sequel. Part III in the pipeline.
1. Chapter 1

**One Hell of a Road to Christmas**

_**Main character slightly OOC. But who knows what could have really happened in such circumstances? Warning: this is only a FICTION. Never play with matches, they burn.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the guys. It's just that Blondie sometimes looks so desperate when his partner and best friend gets hurt, that I imagined one day he could cross the line and ...**_

_**Big tissue warning! Events may not lead to what you expect...**_

_**A big thanks to Alysoun for her excellent BR work and suggestions!**_

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**Chapter 1**

**Prologue**

_I feel safe here. As always. On the beach. Alone._

_The ocean never asked any questions. Never judged me. Never tried to give me false words of comfort, of hope. It is just there, rolling, on and on, day after day._

_It has been constant for an eternity. Wave after wave. Washing away the dirt from the sand. Its voice washing away the dirt from my soul. I always liked it here. I loved to come here with him. Just for a walk. Or some jogging, when I managed to drag him out to exercise. Or to take photos of the birds that would come and eat pieces of hard bread from my hand. Or just to sit on the sand and silently stare at the horizon, side by side._

_That was before everything happened. Before the world collapsed. Before he went down. In another lifetime. In a another world. With a different horizon._

_I can't see past the next minutes now. Every single moment is such a struggle to survive. And the worst is, the more I try, the more I see the end of the tunnel. Yet, the light at the end of my tunnel is not bright nor glorious. Actually, there is no light at the end of this tunnel. Just some dark fog calling out to me. And I walk towards it. I have been walking to it for the last ten months now. _

_They said it would take time for me to heal inside. That's bullshit! Time passes as time does and it hurts even more everyday. Inside is just a piece of debris, which nobody cares about. Not even me. They cared in the beginning, for a while. Then I had to push them all away from me. Because I was too deep in my sorrow to l et them follow me. I even pushed my wife away although she had traveled half of the world to build a life with me. Years before._

_And now there she is by herself. I can't take care of her anymore. I can't take care of myself, let alone her. I loved her too much for that. God knows I loved her. She deserves better than this. She deserves a man, strong and caring, not the rubbish I have become._

_I wish I could tell her that. I wish I could face her and let her know what's deep inside my heart. The pain. The regret. The guilt._

_The guilt. Because I was not at the right place at the right time. I was guilty that day. I should have been the one to hit the floor. I was not quick enough; I let him take my place. I was a coward, dammit! _

_Somehow, I feel like I have been a coward several times. When I did not tell him how I felt when things were tough during an assignment, when he was there for me and I did not thank him. OK, we always knew words were not necessary. Yet I have the feeling now that he would have liked to hear them from time to time. Just a simple "Thanks, Buddy". We just used to look at each other and all was said. But I should have uttered the words now and then. I should have told him "Thanks, Buddy."_

_How could possibly I thank him for falling in my place?_

_So I played the coward. I did not say anything. I stayed by his side until he was gone. God, I miss him so much! I miss the touch of his hand on my shoulder. I miss the blue eyes watching deep into my soul. I miss his gentle smile when I was hurt. I miss his voice calling me in the morning to tell me "Ready, Buddy, I'll pick you up soon.". I miss our beers together. I miss everything about him._

_And I know I will never face him again. It is too late._

_I was wasted long ago._

_So I can't bear the pain and guilt any longer. That's why I came here. To say goodbye. To the ocean. To him._

_The ocean knows the bond we shared. Especially the day we threw our badges away, in a perfectly synchronized gesture of disgust towards the system. It never questioned our decision._

_This is the big goodbye. I'd better leave now, go back to my apartment and do what I have been planning to do for weeks. I left a note in the kitchen, next to the blender. They will all know why I did it. They will understand now that nobody could help me out of this. The wound simply just won't heal. _

_And the only words that come into my mind right at this moment are: "I'm sorry, Buddy. I love you."_

*******

He goes back to his apartment. She is not there. He goes to his bedroom. Closes all the windows and "heavy curtains" so the place is dark. Lights a candle. Next to the candle, there is a spoon, a needle and a triple fold. With enough pure skag in it to OD. He prepares the mixture until it's ready to be sucked into the syringe. He puts a rubber band around his arm. Looks at the needle. One last thought in his mind.

_I always knew, somehow deep in my heart, I would find the way to end it all. Now I cross the line. That final LINE. I love you, Buddy! I always have._

He takes the needle and slowly moves it towards his arm.

_*******_


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_**Almost a year before...**_

"I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

Hutch unveiled the sweet face of Anna. She looked like a blond angel coming directly from Heaven. He gently put his lips on hers. There was a thrill between them as she responded to his kiss.

"May I?" said a voice behind his back.

He looked at the best man and smiled.

"Of course."

Starsky walked to Anna and put a very quick and delicate kiss on her lips.

Hutch's heart was so full of love, gratitude in that instant.

The two persons who mattered most in his life were at his side. His wife, Anna Akhanatova, now Mrs Hutchinson. And David Michael Starsky, his best friend.

Anna was a graceful and beautiful young ballerina. A slender woman whose body had been shaped by years of classical dance. Her hair was almost the same color as Hutch's. Her eyes were light blue compared to the "Belaya river" eyes of her husband. From day one, some mysterious chemistry had been at work between the two blondes.

When he and his partner had first been assigned to her protection, they had reluctantly accepted the mission, making it clear to Dobey that they were no babysitters to some spoilt eccentric star. She had been quite aggressive towards both detectives until she stepped down from her ivory tower and lent a hand to Hutch. In both ways. She had made the first step towards the blonde while he was in her apartment, making sure she was safe. They had ended up arm wrestling, both lying on the carpet.

It should have been a one night stand, but somewhere in Hutch's heart, there had always been a special place for the memory he kept of her. He preciously kept hidden in his mind the few nights they had together, the song he sang for her, the Russian words she whispered for him.

Yet, she had had to fly back to Russia. He had written to her several times, but never got any answer. He suspected his letters were diverted or simply destroyed. A year after, he had almost given up hope of hearing from her again when he got a letter. She wrote that she had managed somehow to return to the States and she wanted to see him, for old times' sake. She gave him a phone number where she could be reached. He called her immediately. And found their chemistry was still working.

One month later, he was driving to the airport to pick her up. With Starsky. In Starsky's car. Once more, the LTD was at Merle's. Not that his partner insisted on assisting at the reunion. The LTD being down again was a good excuse. And he wanted to make sure nothing bad was going to happen to his friend. You never know, with women!

With no clue how she would react after a year nor the real reason for her coming back, Hutch felt a little bit nervous.

When she passed customs, he knew. He saw it in her eyes. Somehow, she had come back, for him. She had thrown herself into his arms, whispering "Tadzhik" several times between long series of passionate kisses.

Starsky had stayed a little behind. After a few minutes, thinking about the Torino badly parked in front of one of the airport entrances, he started to speak.

"Hello, Anna. Welcome back!"

"Hello, Mr Stareffsky! So nice of you to have come."

She still had that funny way of pronouncing his name, which made him smile. She smiled back and extended a hand.

"Hutch, we'd better get her luggage and go. The Torino... Well, ya know, I'd like to find it back where I left it."

*******

Surprisingly, she had made it clear from the start she wanted to remain in the States. Hutch had talked to a friend of his at the Immigration Department. The latter had told him that the quickest way for her to stay was to marry an American. Hutch did not relay this detail to Anna and instead helped her to find a job as a dance teacher.

In the beginning, she rented a tiny apartment close to a dance school where she was teaching teenagers and apparently, enjoying it very much. Three months later, she moved in with Hutch at his request. After all, they were always together during their free time, and most of the time with Starsky.

The brunette watched the two lovers building plans, laughing, smiling at each other all the time, holding hands. He thought it was too good to be true, his partner falling for good so quick seemed almost unnatural, yet this seemed to be the case. His guts told him something was lurking in the dark, waiting to strike. He could not put his finger on it, but he was sure this would not last.

Nevertheless he resolved not to say anything. Not yet.

The day Hutch proposed to Anna, he asked Starsky to be his best man, who of course accepted. They decided upon a date for the wedding. The colleagues at the Central were all smiles: one of the most famous bachelors in BCPD had finally fallen for good. Some of them were wondering how the other one would cope.

The couple had decided to organize a simple ceremony, with close friends only. The brunette was standing at Hutch's side. Dobey had accepted to give the bride away. Rosey was just gorgeous as a flower girl holding a small bunch of little yellow and white flowers, matching the bride's bouquet.

Starsky had been watching his friend putting the wedding band on Anna's finger and deep inside, he had the strange feeling that the new link which was born between the newly-weds signed the death warrant for the special bond they had shared for years. He could not himself explain why, and secretly he hoped he was wrong. For his friendship and unconditional trust for the blond blintz meant more than he could ever have imagined.

The couple spent their ten-day honeymoon in the Dominican Republic. Hutch just loved the ocean and the place was known to have the most beautiful white sandy beaches in the world. He had loved the sea since he was a kid and would have loved to sail, provided his job as a cop was not so vital to him.

When they came back, Anna resumed her post and Hutch went back to the Central, with a wonderful tan and a flashy shirt, as if he were still on holiday. The two detectives resumed their daily routine of patrolling, questioning, busting, writing reports. There were fewer occasions now for them to spend quiet evenings at each other's place or at the Pits. Anna had tried not to monopolize Hutch nor keep him away from his friend; she managed to hold the little bit of jealousy secretly hidden inside.

She had understood long ago - from the very first day she saw them during her first visit to the country - that there was a strong connection between the two guys and that one getting married would not change that fact.

*******


	3. Chapter 3

**I'd really appreciate your reviews as I post new chapters. This was meant to be only an echo of what's happening in Hutch's mind and it was not meant to be a very long story. I finished writing it, but I feel it could be better. Anyway, it's my first dark one, so I guess I'm still learning... Thanks for your indulgence and comments.**

******************************************

**Chapter 3**

_**One night...a few months after the wedding ceremony...**_

Anna, Hutch and Starsky had been spending the evening at the ballet. When the show was over, they walked outside, discussing their impressions. Hutch was holding Anna by the waist, close to him, delighted by what he just saw while Anna was explaining in detail all the efforts involved behind an apparently easy performance.

It was raining. Starsky turned to the blondes.

"I'm gonna get the car up front. No use the three of us transforming my car into a pool."

As he was walking away just a few steps from them, someone suddenly shouted and the brunette saw a man waving a gun around, with a mad look in his eyes, obviously ready to shoot at anything without notice. Starsky did not have his gun, nor did his partner. They were on leave.

In a fraction of a second, he assessed the situation. He was too far from the man to attempt to disarm him. And the man seemed ready to lose control any second.

When he heard the first shot, he quickly looked at Hutch and Anna; they were in the line of fire. Without a second thought, he sprang towards them.

... ... ...

Hutch saw Starsky suddenly come to a standstill, he saw the look in his eyes as he slumped to his knees, the rest of his body sliding to the ground. Hutch ran and caught his friend just before he hit the road.

"Starsk, nooooooooo, don't, pleeeease, God noooooo!"

Hutch shouted "Would someone call an ambulance? Quick!!"

"Hu... Huuuutch". Starsky's voice was only a whisper now. "I'm... s... sorry...."

"What for, Buddy? Oh please, hang on, you're gonna be all right. Hang on, you hear me?"

"T... try... trying... hurts... can't move."

"It's normal, Buddy, don't try to move. I'm gonna take care of you."

"Don't.... don't blame... y'self." Starsky managed to whisper with even more difficulty. "I'm cold... can't f... feel... legs..."

"Shhh, 's OK. Don't worry, I'm holding you, Pal. Stay quiet."

Anna had rejoined her husband who was on his knees and holding Starsky's head on his lap. The brunette's body was lifeless. His eyes were almost closed. Hutch tried not to move, panicked at the sight of the blood on his partner's back, now a large spot growing larger by the minute. He felt as if the bullet had touched him too. He was holding his breath, listening and monitoring life signs from Starsky. The brunette suddenly shook with a spasm then seemed to lose consciousness. Hutch started to panic.

"Don't you quit on me, Man. Don't do that! Rescue is on its way. I'm holding you. I'm right here, Starsk. Please stay with me."

Anna took off her long white coat and gently covered Starsky's body with it. Hutch did not react. She softly stroked her husband's hair, in silence. She knew Hutch was not listening to anything else than his friend's breathing. She felt like she would lose him, if anything bad should happen to Starsky.

*******

Medical assistance had arrived rather fast on site. The paramedics, a young man and a woman in their early thirties, had rushed out the ambulance and had carefully assessed Starsky's condition before trying to move him. They had secured his neck with a neck brace and immobilize his body on the gurney to prevent any further strain on the wound. The young ambulance attendants were already covering the body of the brunette with a warm blanket when Hutch walked with the obvious intention to step into the emergency vehicle with Starsky. The woman stopped his momentum.

"I'm sorry, Sir, but you are not allowed to go in there. He needs to be transported immediately to the Emergency Unit."

"I need to stay with him. He is my partner, my best friend and I will not let him alone!" Hutch was shouting now, obviously panicked at the idea of leaving Starsky by himself.

"Sir, your partner got a bullet in his back; the spine seems to have been hit. The quicker we react with this kind of wound, the more chances we have to prevent irreversible complications."

"But, I need to be with him!"

"No, sir, I'm sorry." was the final reply.

The ambulance woman was already heading to the vehicle which shot off, heading to the Memorial.

Hutch stood frozen for a fraction of second then rushed to a taxi with Anna. During their drive to the hospital, she took his hand in hers and remained silent. She had seen this kind of injury once and hoped that her worst fears were wrong, only for this time.

*******

_One week! And I feel like I am ten years older. It has been only one week since Starsky was brought to the Memorial in a critical condition. His heart gave up once during the ambulance transport. They somehow managed to revive him. One hour after being admitted, he had another heart attack. The doctor who saved him for the second time in less than an hour told me my partner was fighting, but the next few nights would be the road to Hell._

_I have been spending hours by his side, as soon as the doctors allowed me to. Holding his hand, talking to him, even if he was in a coma for a few days. I felt like he needed the sound of my voice to find his way back to the land of the living. Sometimes, I could feel his hand so cold that I shivered at the idea he was gone while I was dozing off for a few minutes. But then I heard the breathing support he was connected to and as long as no critical alarm went off, it meant he was holding on._

_Anna was coming often to check on him, and I feel I have been suddenly neglecting her a lot lately. I hope she understands that my partner needs me to face this new ordeal. On a few occasions, I even spent an entire night at the hospital, sleeping on a chair, feeling my presence was needed for Starsky to feel he is not alone._

_Rachel came from New York. It tore me apart to see her face when she entered the ICU room where her beloved son was lying and fighting for life. But it felt good to have her around. I felt the more love and warmth surrounded Starsk, the quicker he would wake up and get better._

_Three days ago, the doctor asked to talk to us all. He had a dark look on his face when he led us to his office. _

*******

"Mrs Starsky... Mr Hutchinson..."

_Rachel is sitting next to me, discretely hiding a tissue in her hand. I can see she is trying to hold her tears back._

"Despite former very serious wounds, Detective Starsky is lucky to have been in good physical condition when he was injured this time. But he has taken a very critical hit. So far, we have managed to stabilize all vital functions; he has undergone two operations already, but..."

"But?" _I am afraid of what to expect._

"Right now, we have focused on breathing and circulatory response. He lost a lot of blood but we managed to control the hemorrhage. What we are more worried about is the bullet fragment lodged close to his spine, putting pressure on a nerve, at the lumbar level. We have not been able to remove it and, to tell you the truth, we can not perform another operation right now. He is too weak."

"What is it you are saying, Doctor?" Rachel asks in a very soft voice_._

_The Doctor takes a deep breath and looks at me, with frowning and yet gentle eyes at the same time._

"Your son... is paralyzed, from his waist down to his feet."

*******


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

_I can't breathe._

"Huh ... of course he will walk!" I almost shout, convinced of the words I utter. But the doctor's look says that he meant what he had just said.

"Is this.... I mean, you're sure? If you operate him again when he is better, you can remove the fragment, right?"

"There is nothing we can do for the moment. And to be honest, when we are able to operate, the fragment may have moved and caused irreversible damage."

"Then you operate him now, before the fragment moves again!"

"We can not do that. Not now."

"But you've just said that if you wait, it can get worse!"

"That's why we need to talk to his family; your friend is not in a position to decide what's best for him. All we are trying to do now is keeping him alive."

"But ... paralyzed...no way... Starsky will not go with this, I mean..."

_I can not find the words. I am looking at Rachel. Tears are rolling down her cheeks, silently. She is trying to hold together. Then she stands up, I come close to her and put an arm around her shoulders._

"He will make it, Rachel. You'll see. He is a fighter. Dammit, no way some stupid piece of metal is gonna stop him. He'll walk again, you'll see."

_I am trying to sound reassuring, but I am uttering the words to reassure myself at the same time.  
_

*******

_I need to see your eyes. I need that deep blue look. I need to be reassured._

_The doctor has given us with a profusion of sophisticated terminology all the details about your condition and future treatment. They are gonna give you a series of strong antibiotics to prevent further infection. You are also given anti-inflammatory drugs to reduce the oedema round the spine where the bullet hit you. They are doing a lot of X-rays and scans and whatever they are good at, to precisely locate that damn bullet! _

_Why the hell did you say you were sorry, when lying in my arms with that bullet in your back?_

_Man, I am the one to be sorry you had to take that one. This is complete nonsense! We were not even on duty. But why did you have to jump between Anna and me, and that lunatic? _

_Please, Buddy, you need to wake up. You need to get well. You need to be whole again, so we can run in the park together, and go bowling together and... Geez, here I am, right next to you, holding your hand, talking to myself, looking at you. It's been a week now, you slept enough._

_Please, wake up, Starsk, don't leave me like this._

*******

_  
Hi Starsk. It's me. It's Hutch. I'm right here. I went to fetch your Mom. Rachel is here. It'd be great if you could open your eyes for her. What do you think, huh? Now would be a good moment. So she can feel better. I can see she is aging by the day. She traveled a long way to see you, to hold your hand and whisper motherly and tender words._

_Why don't you react, dammit?_

_I'm sorry, Buddy, it's just that I have never been alone without you for so long. I miss you laugh. Your jokes about nurses. There is a blond one, very pretty, who you would run after for sure, as soon as you are out of here. Listen to me! Am I losing it? I just can't believe what the doctors told us. That you may never walk again. Nonsense! Of course you're gonna be on our feet. It will take time, that much is certain, but you'll make it. You always make it! You pulled me out of bad situations enough times, you have no right to leave me here by myself now. You hear me?_

_OK, I'm going home now, I'll put up the sheet up on you torso so you don't get cold. Can you feel my hand in your hair? Gee, you'll need a haircut, when this is all over. And you look so pale. What do you say if we take a couple of weeks and head for a sunny spot... like Bolivia for example. Whaddya think, pal?_

_Good night, Starsk, sleep well. I'll come early tomorrow morning._

*******

_  
Almost ten days now. Rachel was here at your side last night, gently holding and rubbing your hand. I can see she is exhausted. I can see the fear in her eyes. Afraid that you may rejoin your dad. What will become of her? Nick is too involved in his little almost-legal business to care. We could not reach him. He does not know what happened to you. Where is he when you need him? You were always there, more like a father than a brother when he needed you._

_I don't give a damn about him._

_I am right here, your brother, your pal. _

_Your mother is here too. That's all you need._

*******

_  
This morning was the greatest moment of my life. You opened your eyes. And I was there, next to you! Thank God. I was granted your first look when you came out of your coma. I hope you recognized me. No sign of a faint smile, but you woke up, that's all that counts for now. Tomorrow is another day._

*******

_  
The doctor told me that you may be out of your coma for good now. Yet, he explained so many steps about your recovery that I forgot most of it. Mainly that you're gonna need help for a long time. Gunther's bullets weakened your organism far too much and he said that this time, there is little chance that you may continue to be a cop! Starsk, I don't know how you're gonna take this. Being a police officer is all your life, it's what you wanted all along, hitting the streets, busting bad guys, enforce the law, work by the Book._

_Here I go again!  
__Thinking about what I could do out there without you. Well, they were wrong once. They may be wrong again now. Just get better, Partner. We'll make it, against all odds, as before._

*******

_  
Anna has been very patient these last days, visiting you a little bit everyday. Waiting for me at home. Yet usually I hardly spend more than a couple of hours at our place, taking care of bills, trying to grab a bite to eat, taking a quick shower and rushing back to you. Thank God she understands. I need to be with you, like last time, this way you'll make it through. _

*******

_  
I am so sorry you had to go through this again, just a couple of years after Gunther's contract on you! I just can't help thinking that it was not meant to be. Something went wrong, I should have been more aware and spotted the madman on time. I should have told everyone around to hit the floor or take cover. Last time, in the Central parking, I shouted at you to get down but you got hit anyway. Seems I'm no good anymore in moments of crisis anymore._

_What's wrong with me? When Gillian was still alive, we were running after bad guys and I suddenly once froze in panic while you were getting closer to them. Remember? I was not there for you! I was shaking and scared as hell._

_This time, I was not even scared, I just did not react properly. Look where you are now. Because of me. I am so sorry, Babe. _

*******

_  
I don't feel too good and Anna pushed me into an appointment with a doctor. He prescribed me some relaxation stuff so that I would sleep better. These nightmares are slowly taking their toll on me; each night I see you dead on the floor, with your blood on my hands and all over me, and I cry. I wake up screaming. Anna is trying to comfort me, but two days ago, I ended up screaming at her too, for no reason. It took her more than an hour to calm me down with gentle words and caresses. We haven't made love since that awful night. I just can't. I feel like shit inside. I can't touch her and love her and be happy with her. Not as long as you're fighting for your life._

_Huggy is visiting you too and calling me every two days or so. He invited me several times to drop by at the Pits but I don't feel like it. All the places we went together are just empty without your laugh to fill up the air._

_I think the weight is heavier this time than last time. Am I getting weak? I don't wanna take drugs to prevent a depression. I am not depressed; I am mad at myself! When you are better, I will be too. But it's sure taking a long time for the doctors to fix you this time. They said you'd need another operation soon, when your heart is strong enough to cope, in order to remove another fragment. There is one so close to your spine that is bothering them. That's the one pressing against the nerve and preventing your legs from reacting. I did not get it all. My ears were listening carefully, but my mind could only focus on the image of you walking again._

TBC

**_----------------------------------------_**

Thanks a lot to all of you for your presence here... Please, I'd love to read your reviews about it. More chapters to be posted soon...  
Take care, **_Prolixius5._**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

_It has been three weeks now. _

_And hell, the day they told you about your condition, I was not there! Rachel was. _

_You insisted on them telling you the truth. When I entered your room later on that day, you smiled faintly at me but I felt as if you had hit me with a knife. You never liked soapy scenes all right. But how could you do this to me, Man? Why didn't you wait for me to be there at your side when they were going to tell you? I feel even worse to have missed that moment. _

_Now, you know I had been aware of your true condition all along and I did not speak to you about it. I had been lying, comforting you, and talking about the future as if nothing was wrong. Now there is this little gap between us which never was there before. The first time I kept silent. Omitting words. I could never have told you._

_I guess I was still hoping for that miracle. _

_God, please, could you grant us one more? Just this once? I don't wanna loose his friendship because of that omission. But how can I say to my best friend he is never gonna walk again?? That his life as a man and a cop is over. Seeing him on the floor a few years ago when Gunther struck... it seemed as if they had hit me too. We made it together back then. _

_Why did I miss the opportunity to be honest again with him this time? _

_*******_

_..._

_Each day now brings some more pain to your body as you try to slowly recover some very limited physical capacities. It also brings more pain to my heart as the doctor told me that this time, I could not help you as I did after the Gunther episode._

_This time, you need thorough medical and rehabilitation support. After you have undergone a final operation to relieve the inflammatory syndrome from your back and when they think you're ready for it, they will send you to New York. They say they have one of the best places in the country for rehabilitation and treatment for this kind of post-traumatic condition. With physical and occupational therapies. And counselling. And your mother will be around all the time._

_What about me? Why can't I do this? Why am I not allowed to help?_

_That's it, Hutch! Go on being selfish!! You know that clinic is one of the best in the country, that there are none in the area better equipped to treat his condition and moreover his mother will be close._

_But they don't know you as I know you. They have no idea that nothing matters more to me than your safety, your life, that we are more than brothers, that I don't want you to go. I need you here._

_Why did you tell me you accepted this? OK, I am not the one to judge what's best for you. But how can I watch over you if you are on the other coast? Shall I quit my job and follow you? This does not seem an option either. Gee, I'm lost. Don't know what to do. I don't wanna see you leave; yet I know you would be in good hands and besides, your Ma will be at your side. _

_The same idea is circling in my head, over and over again. _

_It just sounds impossible that you're not gonna be recovering here, where you belong. How am I gonna cope with the lack of your presence?_

_*******_

_..._

_Huggy came to our place with a six-pack. Anna was still teaching at the dance school. After two beers, I felt sick; I used to drink more than that when we had a celebration all together, but as I hardly eat anything, it seems to go directly into my blood. Man, I can't hold my liquor anymore._

_*******_

_..._

_I am so exhausted. Guess I haven't had a decent night sleep for weeks. And the sleeping pills the doctor has prescribed do not help much. I sleep for about one or two hours and then wake up sweating and crying. And all I can see is your blood on my hands in each nightmare, night after night._

_Anna is starting to be concerned about my health now and tries to convince me to go and talk to a therapist. I am not crazy, dammit! I just need our lives back as they were._

_*******_

_..._

_I can't focus on anything but taking care of you. Dobey gently made it clear he is starting worry about my extended leave of absence. He knows I need you as much as you need me, but I just can't go back to Central and resume my duties. Not without you by my side._

_*******_

_..._

_That's it. You're gone. The ambulance came this morning to take you to the airport, with your Mom. _

_I came along, holding your hand during the journey to the plane. But somehow I was ashamed to monopolize you in front of Rachel, even if she understands what we feel for each other. She is such a wonderful lady._

_I promised I'd come and see you as soon as I negotiate another special leave with Dobey. I don't know how he is gonna take it. Frankly, I don't care. _

_I need to help you get back on your feet. I won't quit on you, Buddy ... well, I am trying so hard anyway... _

_*******_

_..._

_I have quit on the therapy crap so many weeks ago. This guy can not help me and it is boring me to death to lie on that couch and talk about things I only wanna say to you. He gave me some new powerful anti-depressants. They seemed to have some effect for a while as I was sleeping a little bit more than before. But with each passing day, I feel each time I need higher dose of sleeping pills to benefit from a decent night._

_I even enjoyed once sleeping with Anna who felt I was back to being her husband again. Well, just for one night. Like all my energy was concentrating on that unique moment we spent together. It felt like all the anger and fear and tension were all mixed and fired with an extreme sweet violence from my body to hers. She held me in her arms for a long time and I finally cried myself to sleep next to her beautiful body. I was ashamed that this night was not meant for love, but to let go of the strain in my flesh._

_*******_

_..._

_I can not go to new York: there has been a bad series of multiple murders of youngsters involved in drugs and Dobey wants me on the case. Some dude is treating them like dirt and he needs to be stopped. It is a nightmare. _

_Of course, I don't tell you about this, when I call you, almost every day. Sometimes, you are asleep when I call, or having a hard time going through some physical rehabilitation exercises._

_Rachel has told me that there is no hope yet of seeing you walk again. She said she was so proud when you tried your first wheelchair this morning. You joked about organizing a wheelchair competition in the clinic corridors. _

_Man, why don't I feel happy to hear that your sense of humor seems to have returned intact? It hurts so much down deep inside to imagine you like this, trying to manipulate that bloody chair._

_I am not there with you and I feel like I am abandoning you._

_This time, I feel you don't need me as much as you used to. _

_It is tearing me apart. _

_I feel so useless. _

_When we talk, you don't speak for long, because you are so knocked out with the heavy medication you're on. But anyway I hear a different tone in your voice. Or is it just my imagination? You say you'll be back in no time. But when? Rachel told me that this rehab' could and will last for months. _

_What about after?_

_*******_

_..._

_Last month, Dobey gave me an unofficial reprimand. In his office. Just him and me. Nothing will be reported in my personal file. Yet! _

_I have been sloppy for the past weeks. I don't really care. This investigation is getting stressful and I have to go undercover for a while, pretending to be one of the suppliers. I still can't get more reliable info on the head supervising this whole traffic. I have been entrusted with some "snow" to fool the intermediaries. I had been in stakeout for so many hours in a fancy car, waiting for them to show up. _

___*******_

_..._

_It has been so long now since you left for the East Coast and this investigation is taking its toll on my mental and emotional balance. _

_Sometimes I feel almost comfortable playing the bad guy, talking like them, posturing like an important link in the drug business. When I finally met one, he wanted to test the stuff. Took a pocket knife and plunged it into one of the small paper pockets I carried in a small suitcase. He seemed satisfied with what he tasted. We made a deal. I was in business! _

_He never suspected that I had spirited one of the small pockets._

_..._

_God please forgive me. I was just looking for a one-time relief to my pain, my depression, call it what you want. I have been taking anti-depressants for so long now, stronger ones each time and they don't help anymore. The doctor prescribed new ones again, but I started to develop too many side-effects. Like loss of appetite. _

_Feeling even more pain, inside and outside..._

_*******_


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**. . .**

_I swear it was supposed to be just a one-night try. I was so wrong. God forbid me. I felt the pain and fear leave me instantly. Like the first time Monk and his guys shot me with their dust. I felt strong again, in charge, controlling it all._

_Starsk, I know that they give you regular shots of morphine, like they did when you were shot by Gunther's hitmen. You are fully entitled to that treatment. I wish I could justify what I am taking now, but I can't. The more I try to convince myself I can't stop this any time I want to, the more I know I will not come to the decision._

_Because this time, you are not here to stop me. When we talk on the phone, I can feel in your voice you are getting stronger every day. But something's broken._

_In your back. In my heart. _

_Anna does not know, but I think she is beginning to suspect. Dobey is pretending not to see I 'm not doing as usual. I am always late handing in my reports and I tend to spend more time than necessary on the streets at night, pretending to work on the "case"._

_*******_

_The point is, I have made some wicket deal a while ago with some little crook named Spot, in exchange for precious information on the network I am trying to take down. _

_After all the shit the doctor had given me, I felt the urge to be on the edge again, to get out of that fog he was putting me in. I had started to take too many sleeping pills to ensure some quiet night free of nightmares and a lot of stimulants to keep up with the job during the day._

_Now I get my small supply of 'C' on a regular basis. I don't take much. Just enough to forget... what? That I am a coward? That I finally let my best friend down? He does not seem to need me, with all those specialists around him who haven't even managed to put him back on his feet again anyway. _

_Even Anna is getting tired of me, I can feel she is fed up with the long night shifts I keep accepting more often than necessary._

_I just don't feel like going home._

_I feel better on my own._

_*******_

_Anna has given me an ultimatum. Either I stop destroying myself or she leaves. She has tried to help me, but I guess I have been treating her like dirt long enough. Am I still any kind of husband to her?_

_The only thing that matters to me now is to get the bad guys and get my next line._

_*******_

_Anna left this morning. She took a few things, told me she would come and get the rest later and moved in with a friend of hers. I watched her in silence, I could not say a word when she gave me a last chance to change my mind. What the hell? Losing a little bit more will not change much now. _

_She will be better off without me..._

_*******_

_Now that I can concentrate on this investigation without any other distraction. I am getting even more involved in my undercover scenario. I am getting good at it! _

_I finally managed to get a meeting with the big boss in a couple of days. I planned with Dobey to get reinforcements and arrest the whole gang. I just hope these dummies will be discreet and not blow it! I really want to close that case and go back to..._

_Hell! Go back to what?_

_Anna is gone. I don't think Starsky will come back from New York. He has started new physiotherapy. He seemed genuinely worried by the tone in my voice but I said I was tired because of the case I have been working on for more than four months now. The doctors at the rehab' center there explained about another surgical operation but I did not quite catch it. _

_When Starsky called me himself to give me the news, I was in a hurry, not to miss an important meeting with one of the members of the gang. I guess he did not really want to give more details about his condition. When he said he missed me, my heart felt like it was being crushed for a moment and then I said something about missing him too._

_You bastard, Hutch, your best friend is extending a hand. Don't you see? What's got into ya? Are you losing it, man?_

_*******_

_Huggy came to my place last night. I was not sleeping, as usual. I hardly sleep more than a couple of hours now. When I opened the door, I saw the look in his eyes, like he had seen a ghost. He seemed concerned by my condition but I said I was fine and that I did not need him. He tried to insist but I sent him back where he belongs. I don't wanna talk to him._

___*******_

_Dobey called me this morning and this time, I got into real trouble. He suspended me. I didn't ask for more details. He said he had no choice until I snap out of my odd behavior. I told him I had decided to resign anyway. Going on like this makes no sense. I have been screwing things up for months now. With Starsky gone, Anna leaving me, it's just no use._

_I need to get away from these good people. I have been pretending for too long that I m strong and reliable. Look where it got my partner. Partner, huh? He is not my partner anymore. And the way I have treated him lately on the phone? I've lost his friendship for sure. _

_*******_

_Hutchinson, you're no use... to anybody... Not even to yourself. Don't you see?_

_My whole life has become one big hollow. I'm falling with nothing to hold on to to._

_Getting used to flying in Nowhere Land!_

_I need to get in touch with Spot; I need one last favor from him._

_*******_

_*******_

He is sitting on the chair in front of the little night table.

The mixture is ready.

The rubber band is in place.

His left arm is extended on the table.

In his right hand, he holds the syringe, full of its lethal liquid.

The room is very dark.

The only source of light is the candle.

The point of the needle touches the skin.

He hesitates for a fraction of a second which feels like an eternity. Closes his eyes, sees a face with blue eyes and curly brown hair. And thinks _"Forgive me, Pal."_

And all of a sudden, the whole place goes dark.

_*******_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

**...**

He can't see a thing.

Literally.

The candle flame has died.

Suddenly.

He is sitting in the dark.

Shivering.

Shaking.

Sobbing.

For how many minutes... how many hours?...

...

He drops the needle, still full, which falls on the floor.

He tries to move.

He can't.

Paralyzed.

Fear.

Pain.

Darkness.

In an extremely slow motion, his hand reaches for the matches, takes one from the box with clumsy fingers, rubs it, lights the candle again.

The new light seems so brilliant now!

...

He tries to breathe normally.

He looks around.

All the windows are closed.

The door too.

He looks at the shadow on the wall made by the candle light.

He starts to cry heavily.

Out loud.

Feels a presence.

But there is no one around.

A voice inside him is whispering "_You're safe now._"

He does not understand.

He tries to stand up. He can't. His legs not strong enough.

He falls on the floor and loses consciousness.

_*******_

_..._

_How many hours... _

_How many days... _

_Anna found me lying on the floor, in a shock. _

_In such a pain. _

_Withdrawal symptoms. _

_She called Huggy. Once again Huggy is gonna have a hard time taking care of me. _

_Only this time, I wanna get rid of the fix, once and for all._

_..._

_I did not recognize the voice I heard in my head... before I was attempting to take my last ride._

_There was no air draft. I don't know what blew that candle out, leaving me in a soothing darkness which prevented me from crossing the line. _

_I don't care... but I am grateful. _

_I really need to get over it. _

_For good. _

_I know that I won't go back to my job after what I have been through all these months. Anyway, I don't want to. Not without Starsky._

_I haven't heard from him for a while now. How is he? Does he know? I have done and said awful things. Wish I could take it all back. _

_This is gonna be my penance. I feel I deserve this. And I accept it now._

_*******_

_..._

_I have attempted and managed to get rid of the guilt for weeks now. _

_I have finally come to accept what I am, a junkie. _

_Well, I WAS. It's over._

_I have not taken anything since the night Anna found me almost dying on the floor._

_I've been through hell, and even more despair than when I held my partner in my arms, so close to death._

_But hell is what I deserved and I have accepted the verdict. Now I'm serving whatever it takes. I wanna be a man again, a husband, a friend, a partner._

_Each and every fiber in me is in deep physical pain, but my mind is cured. I wanna be a human being again!_

_*******_

_..._

_In a couple of days, it'll be be Christmas Eve and for the first time, I wish he was here to celebrate with me. _

_I have been through all sorts of therapies, and I took it very seriously this time. Each passing day, I feel a little bit better. Of course, sometimes, my body longs for a line, as a precious memory hidden like a spider and waiting to strike. Thinking of all the ones around who are waiting for me to become whole again, I strike back, fighting the withdrawal pain, the shiver, the nightmares, the hallucinations, fighting like hell to make it through. _

_And deep in my soul, I know I'm gonna make it. For good._

_I don't even feel like thinking again to all the shit I've been through and the shit I had become. _

_I am not denying what's happened. I can't... and I won't, this is part of me, of who I will be, for ever._

_I just want it all behind me. _

_And look forward._

_*******_

_..._

_Gee, Starsk, I have missed you so much! _

_You'll never know the hell I have been through leaving the white shit behind. I won't tell you about this. What for?_

_Now I look forward to telling you that I'm sorry, for letting you down, to telling Anna I still love her, if she still wants me, to telling Huggy he is the best friend we could ever have, to giving Dobey my resignation._

_It's better this way, for everyone. I gotta build a new life. Here. But somehow different. God, please, grant me this._

_*******_

_..._

_I can hear the phone. It must have been ringing for a long while before I realized and picked it up._

"Hi, Buddy!"

...

********

...

_**(TBC...small chapter this time, next one very soon...)**_


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

_**Epilogue**_

…

_I can hear the phone. It must have been ringing for a while before I realized and picked it up._

"Hi, Buddy!"

I can feel my heart stop for a moment. I never thought I would hear your voice and that it would sound like such a sweet melody!

"Starsk"?

" 'Course, it's me. Who did you expect... Santa Claus?"

"Huh... how are ya doin'?"

" 'Kay. You plan to stay at home today?"

"Yea... yeah... why?"

"Don't you move! I've got a surprise for ya!"

_*******_

Starsky hung up and Hutch found himself staring at the receiver, not really sure he had heard it right.

Was Starsky coming back or what? Where was he? Where did he call from?

About ten minutes later, while he was still standing there with the phone in his hand, there was a knock at the door. It took him a couple of seconds to put down the receiver and head for the door.

When he opened and saw who was there, he had to grab the door handle and hold it not to lose his balance.

Starsky was in front of him, sitting in a wheelchair with shining wheels. A woman was standing next to him, but he only could see Starsky. His friend's face was pale, he had lost a lot of weight, his hair had been cut very short, almost no curls anymore. But the look in his eyes was intact, that deep blue look Hutch had missed for so long.

He knelt down in front of his friend and hugged him like he had never done before, like he was losing himself in that instant. He started to cry, openly, shamelessly.

"It's OK, Buddy. I'm right here. It's gonna be OK." Starsky's voice was embracing his very soul.

The blonde felt that it was weird that it was his friend who had to comfort him. Starsky had been through hell and _he_ was concerned about _Hutch_. As it often had been in the past. Hutch could not part from the warm embrace, sobbing on Starsky's lap, like a lost child who's just been found again.

Eventually, he lifted his eyes to his friend and saw a big wonderful smile.

"I'm.... I'm so glad you're back."

"Yeah, me too. Can we come in?"

"Sure. Sorry..." He stepped back and opened the door in full.

"First, may I introduce you to Alexandra. Alex, meet Hutch."

Alexandra extended a hand to the blonde.

"Hello. Great meeting you. Dave has said so much about you."

"Oh... yeah?..."

Starsky started to roll his chair inside the house.

"What a great idea to have moved to this place, by the ocean, in a bungalow!"

Hutch was not able to say anything which would make sense. His thoughts were tumbling in his head like lottery balls, remembering all those months during which he had slowly walked on the slippery road to Hell. And now that he was kicking to make it, his friend was standing...sitting in front of him, with that wonderful million-dollar smile on his face and a gorgeous brunette at his side.

They looked at each other for a long moment. Suddenly Hutch was on his knees again, feeling so weak. Starsky started to speak again, in a soft tone.

"Alexandra has just completed her master in dental surgery and she has been offered a post here, on the West Coast, isn't it great?"

"You mean... you're gonna stay?... You're... back for good?"

"Yeah, Buddy, I've been released on parole!" Starsky replied with a gently mocking smile.

Hutch did not know what to say. He had been waiting for so long to see Starsky and now that he was in front of him, he felt afraid, ashamed and intimidated all at once.

"I am sorry, Buddy." he finally manged to say.

"For what?"

"For letting you down."

"You did not let _me_ down. This time, there was nothing you could do, Blondie. I had to go through this on my own. You have done more than enough in the past, holding my hand so many times when I was down. Hutch, listen to me, for I'm gonna say this once today: I told you before, you are more than a brother to me and that's the reason I had to take care of myself and get my energy back in order to be able to take care of you. I'm the one to be so sorry it had to take that long."

He paused for a moment, looking into the blue eyes of his friend, still on his knees in front of him.

"I know what you have been through, Hutch. Anna told me. I also know you have quit the Force. And frankly Buddy, that's for the best 'cos I have a proposal for you. But first things first. Would you happen to have a cool drink in your fridge, by any chance?"

"Huh... a beer?"

"Nope, I'm not allowed to get drunk... not yet. A soda would be great."

"Sure. Ginger Ale? How does that sound?"

"Just fine."

Hutch stood up, slowly, now avoiding the brunette's look and turned to Alex. "And you, Alexandra?"

"Same as Dave. Thank you."

Hutch headed for the kitchen and came back with cans and glasses.

He now looked at Alexandra who sat on one end of the couch. She was a tall brunette, probably the same size as Starsky. She had short brown hair - with a boyish haircut - brown eyes with some wrinkles around the eyes. There was something strong in her face and the way she looked at people and things, maybe because she was clenching her teeth most of the time. She may have been around forty, but Hutch could not have guessed her age for sure. Anyway, there was a feeling of great strength emanating from her.

Starsky had rolled his chair next to the couch close to Alexandra. Hutch sat in front of Starsky, trying to avoid his friend's look, still not at ease. He was still so angry with himself and did not know whether Starsky would ever forgive him for his cowardice over the last months.

"Hutch, look at me."

Hutch was looking at nothing in particular, still ashamed of what he had being doing lately.

"Look at me, Blondie! I need to tell you something and this is important! So you'd better pay attention, right?!"

Hutch slowly raised his eyes to meet his friend's look. He felt his heart pounding so hard in his chest. To hear the nickname "Blondie" was sweet music to his ears. Had he really come back from hell, or was it just a dream, an illusion?

Starsky was smiling at him.

"I will tell you what happened to me in New York, and how I met Alex. Also, my Mom sends you a big kiss. And I will tell you later what I had in mind for both of us, when coming back home. For this is my home."

Starsky was looking at Hutch, right in the eye, to make sure the Blonde was listening carefully.

"The only thing that kept me going on day after day and coping with the hell they put me through was the idea that I would come back here. You're my pal, Hutch. You're the best friend I have and nothing will ever change that. I don't imagine being anywhere else than here, with you around."

"But... I quit the Force and... and you won't be able to ..."

"Who's talking about going back to the Force? That's over, pal! For you and for me, you got that? At least not on the streets. You know it and so do I! I am talking about something different, but I'll explain later... Right now I'm thirsty! I'd like to propose a toast."

He raised his can to Hutch. Alex joined in silence. Hutch did not react at first. How could he deserve the miracle that was happening right now. His friend was back. Obviously, he was here to stay. He had plans for them both. Hutch thought this was too much. He was not worth it.

"Hey! Let's toast!" said Starsky again, with this legendary childish enthusiasm of his.

"To what?"

"To life! To you, me, Alex, us, being here together. You need more?"

"Huh, no...But I think..."

"Don't think! You're no good at it right now. Let's enjoy this moment. Let's toast to Christmas."

"Starsk, you know that..."

"I don't care! Let's toast to Christmas. I brought a gift for you."

"What... gift? You being here is already all I could have dreamed of."

Starsky had indeed brought the most precious gifts of all but Hutch did not react immediately.

The blonde stood motionless, frozen in expectation, breathing heavily.

When he realized what was happening, he let the tears fall from his grateful eyes as he watched Starsky painfully move a blue Adidas-clad foot forward in a very slow motion towards his own foot to get his attention.

Starsky's voice was just a whisper now.

"Hey, look... Merry Christmas, Pal!"

----------------------------------------------------------

**THE END, at least for OHRC**

************************************

_**(I wish to express my most sincere thanks to everyone of you who have stick with the Blonde Blintz and reviewed this story. I appreciate it so much more than you can possibly imagine! Your comments are a wonderful kick for me to go forward; this was my first multi-chapter story in English. A sequel...or let's say a parallel story with Curly' POV may follow, but not now. ... The point is I have a few things in the pipeline which need to be taken care of before that. But if you insist, I'll surely envisage to comply LOL. Anyhow, all your reviews and encouragements made me to feel I'm not so bad in my non-native language after all... THANKS SO MUCH AGAIN for being there, dear Readers!)**_


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